(Or: At Home – Day Twenty-Seven)
I’m currently trapped in a strange twilight zone and cannot escape. Send help. If you can actually get to me. Which is debatable.
Today involved perfect examples of highs and lows. Highs: dinner with my partner’s family, which I loved (esp her brother-in-law, whom I get on with extremely well and feel like I might have something in common with). Lows: I freaked out while going shopping and wound up with lorazepam and a very tense bus ride while I tried to work out living with the volume turned up.
Legitimately, that’s how it feels, when I get overwhelmed. Somebody has turned up the volume on everything. Sight, smell, touch. I am blinded, deafened, olfactorily assaulted all in one very unpleasant go. And I don’t get any warning, nor any explanation. Joy of fucking joys.
Saw my care co-ordinator, who I suspect is a little busy and distracted. I still think she’s god’s gift to healthcare, but it didn’t have the usual calming effect I’m accustomed to. Perhaps I’m just a little too highly-strung today. I’m getting very used to being A Problem, somebody’s Problem, so I suppose today being A Problem for her was too much. I’m A Problem who changes hands from time to time, maybe she’s hoping the Complex Needs Team will take me off her hands a bit. Or a psychiatrist. Or anybody, really, it doesn’t matter so long as The Problem gets handed off safely to somebody else.
As you may be able to sense, I’m getting fucking fed up of being bounced from person to person to organisation to person and back again. Last time I checked, I did in fact have a personality and some sense of autonomy, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me right now. I’m like a cat. Lots of people are very fond, but the responsibility lies with whoever is the owner, and if the owner is busy then somebody else looks after said cat. I’m a fucking cat. I have the same autonomy as a very pissed off cat, who can piss on things and be grumpy but basically is beholden to their home and their owner and has very few places to go without being hit by a car.
Extended metaphors notwithstanding, I’m not having a great day.
For example: partner is a working actor. Currently not working, and so is able to care for me. However, this remains true basically so long as she doesn’t have a job, in which case I am no longer convenient, and get passed along to the next person. Same with my parents, who are looking after me, unless they’re on holiday (as they are now) in which case I’m an inconvenience, and get passed along. Like a pass-the-parcel with no layers, an ungrateful crazy bitch and no present at the centre.
I should say that I am hugely grateful to the people taking time and energy out of their lives to look after me, especially my partner – but I know I’m a temporary inconvenience. And honestly, I just want to go away somewhere where I can stop being an inconvenience to everything and everybody around me. You never know, maybe I’ll even develop an independent personality of my own. We can but hope.